I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.
i love you ashley<3
Approaching this week will be three years I’ve survived.
When I was fifteen, not only did I lose my father to cancer, I also lost my best friend. My parents kept my father’s illness a secret from me and only me, and nothing hurts more than coming home from a weekend trip you were forced to go on and seeing a Hospice truck in your driveway and having no idea why.
After my father past away, I felt I had nobody. I felt I couldn’t trust anybody. None of my friends, not even my boyfriend of the time showed up to the funeral. I felt like I was completely alone in the world. To medicate my pain, I would take left over pain killers. I smoked weed when I woke up, when I got home from school and before I went to bed. I cut myself every day so I could at least feel something, but nothing helped. My boyfriend of the time had gotten me hooked on hard drugs I don’t necessarily want to discuss here. After taking anything I could just to feel alive, I realized nothing was working.
All the happiness had escaped my body. I chose drugs over everything I love, I chose to be unhappy instead of trying to be better. I thought a bottle of advil in my stomach would take everything away, but after I took it all, all the happiness flashed in my head and I knew, “if I make it, maybe it’ll be like that again.” I cannot imagine what I would have put my mother through after losing my father and then me if I didn’t wake up. I was alive.
Fast forward to now, three years ago I wanted to disappear for good, and I’m not saying there aren’t days I don’t want to, I just deal with it differently and I breath. Some day’s it’s hard to catch a breath, but there is nothing better than knowing every year “I made it, I’m here.” I found how passionate i am about being an artist, and I’m going to have a career in doing what I love to make myself happy.
Right now, no matter what you’re going through, there is a light. There is happiness. Things will not get 100% better, but it’ll sure be damn close. There is nothing better than living and seeing people smile because you are HERE, rather than crying because you no longer are. Just know there will always be one person who cares and believes you can make it, because that person will ALWAYS be me.
I’m alive, you sure as hell deserve to be too.